You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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