1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
