I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
