im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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