The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
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Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have feelings that need drinking.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize