My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
