Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
