I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
