He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
