I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
