Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
