Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
