Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
