all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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