So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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