Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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