if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
