I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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