You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.