Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize