im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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