I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
