Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
