he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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