If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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