My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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