I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
