Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
