I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
