I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
