totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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