This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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