i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
