i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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