he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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