I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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