I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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