I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In other news, I just burned my penis
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
