We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
