The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
