He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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