Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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