this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
