you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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