I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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