You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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