I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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