martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
