wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
