If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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