so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
