fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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