Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
