Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
